Trial at Hand

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:06 pm

"I'm not a miss, I'm not a ma'am. As it happens to be, I'm a mass murderer. Remember Arakai City? When I left that I left it in ashes rubble and destruction. People aren't bothered about my emotions, because they don't believe I have any, and they would love to see me squirm and open up. It would give them all the more reason to keep going."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:13 pm

Astraria shuddered, remembering all the souls floating around Arakai now. "I-I see..." Her smile left her face, but she kept her composure. "...though I believe you have emotions...Miss Cayden. Even if you are the one who is responsible for the souls now wandering Arakai...I cannot believe that you do not feel remorse for the act..." She paused for a moment, and shifted her wings a little. "...all humans have emotion...though some admittedly refuse to acknowledge them."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:17 pm

"Right, let's put some more on it. Insult to injury. Look, I didn't ask for you, to be fair I think you're more a safety net to prevent me from taking "the easy way out", being killing myself if you hadn't gotten the gist of it yet. Yeah I got emotions. How many people care? I think I can count that on a single hand without even lifting a finger."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:22 pm

Astraria stood up. "Miss Cayden! Please do not think like that...if someone did not care, then I would not be here to help you!" Her wings flared a little, but she quickly brought them back to a resting position. "Taking one's life is a grave sin! I believe that you can atone for releasing so many souls into Arakai. I care for all living things, and only wish to help. I do not want to communicate with another soul, who would depart from their body over such matters..." She calmed herself down. "...so please. Share with me, and let me help with the burden you carry."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:29 pm

"Don't call me miss or I'll release your stupid soul out on the street! Damn, you talk like you just come out of a monastery or something. God. You have your paper work. Don't you have the shit you need already? Do your shrink talk and leave me be." She hadn't even noticed Astraria's wings, looking either down or away, not that it would have made that much difference in the end.

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:34 pm

"That is what I am here to do, but you keep shutting me out...Cayden." She sat back down. "I apologize for calling you Miss...I am quite formal sometimes." She settled back down. "I honestly do think those things, Cayden. I am a...person...who cares deeply about the living, and I help where I can, so please share with me your feelings and thoughts, so that I may help you. It is why I was summoned, after all."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:37 pm

She rested her head in her hands, reeling over the sheer stubbornness and stupidity of this woman. "My feelings and thoughts? Oh, that's simple. When can I end my life is my main thought. It's all I need. Just to leave all of this behind me."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:40 pm

Astraria sighed. "Please...just calm down, Cayden. I wish to see you through this, so that you may see life in a positive light again. What would you say if I told you an Angel was looking down on us right now?"

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:44 pm

"That he'd be pretty disappointed. But you know? I don't care if that angel is disappointed or happy. He hasn't been raped for days straight, beaten, kicked, hit, hurt, yelled at, just because he did as he was asked by the people who fed and trained him to do as he was told. So what does it matter what that stupid angel thinks? Absolutely nothing. And you know what? For justice, or a poor pathetic excuse of the word, they had to examine me. Guess what? It felt like they were just doing it all over again. They want to give me death penalty for mass murder? Gladly, I'll welcome it with open arms. You think life is any good with this haunting your every thought?"

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:53 pm

"If it happened to me, Cayden, I would be shaken, yes...but I would also like to see justice done as well...as for the Arakai incident...I would try to atone for it...because life is too important to just throw away, and the taking of life teaches nothing to the person who is on that block...it just ends right there." She sighed. Cayden had indeed been through a traumatic event...but she hoped she would open up with the sharing of this information. "One cannot atone once their life ends. I speak not to be what you would call rude, I speak out of genuine concern, and know that my life does not equal yours, and I am not telling you how you should do things." She stood up. "Also...that Angel I told you about would not be disappointed...because that Angel is I. I am that Angel who is watching over us."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:01 am

"There is no way, in the whole wide world there isn't a way, to make them pay according to what they did. Nothing can let "justice" be done. There are no words to describe it. And what does your life have to do with anything anyway? Or what do I care you see yourself as Angel? That's your delusions, not my problem."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:05 am

"You are missing my point, Cayden" She sighed, removing her robe. "And it is no delusion..." She held her robe as she unfurled her wings to a somewhat open position, not wanting to knock anything over. "...I am one."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:11 am

She looked at the wings, then buried her face in her hands. "God, what has he given me now. Halucinating. Like things weren't bad enough as is."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:17 am

"You aren't seeing things...I really do have wings." She set her robe neatly on the edge of the seat, then sat back down. "I just want you to open up, and not hold back. They were wrong to put you through that, and what you were ordered to do was wrong as well...you are not at fault, Cayden. This is why I think that you should atone rather than be willing to forfeit in the face of things that you think you do not wish to deal with."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:20 am

"Oh, so what you're saying is I think I don't want to deal with it, but you know me well enough to say that I do want to deal with it but I don't know it yet? Off course it was wrong. But for me it was either that, or lose my job, my security, my home. And I knew none of them, plus it was to protect Pendragon, so it was said. But them? They didn't have anything at risk, they weren't told, apparently, to do that. Wait, what? You say I'm not at fault and yet you want me to atone for that? You don't even make any sense."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:28 am

"A dear departed friend of mine was in the same situation...she worked for your government." She frowned, putting a hand on her chest. "She sent people away...all for shelter, food, and the like. She died after joining us instead, while atoning for the people she had sent to their demise." She sighed. "I am saying that, like her, you were just doing your job. You can atone as a result, and do not have to forfeit your life for what you have done. She died protecting others, so that they did not follow the same fate as anyone she had sent away." She looked at Cayden again. "So please...allow yourself to atone...and let them bring justice to those who did those things to you."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:33 am

"You don't get it, do you? I told you before, nothing what "they" can do to those guys will ever be justice. And forfeit my life? There's nothing to forfeit. You think I wanna walk around here my life long with what I have burning in my memory? I don't need that- I don't want that shit. If they seek the death penalty then that's fine by me, because you know what, it'll be freedom. Keeping me alive, is the real punishment, that's torment. 'Cause you can talk nicely about a friend of yours who died while working for the rebellion, but she died. And pretty sure she didn't suffer the same fate I did."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:42 am

Astraria sighed. "It is not torment...atonement frees the soul, it does not torment it. Forgive me for sounding like this...but you are in the wrong here, for accepting whatever judgment they deem appropriate. If you accept this judgment...to have them end your life...then you will indeed be tormented, like many a soul now wandering Arakai. Atone, and pass when you are supposed to, then you will know peace. Lysandra may not have known love, but she had happiness in her last days, having come to accept her birth mother, and my significant other as her adopted brother."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:46 am

"What do I care about Lysandra. Plus. Again. You fail to understand. You think atoning for that by working is torment? No, it's not. I'd love to just work again and forget this shit ever happened. But you know what torment is? Not knowing who you can trust. Not being able to walk alone across the street, fearing they could snatch you at any time. Not being able to sleep, because the moment you close your eyes, you see their faces. Unable to love, because the moment you let someone close, you're vulnerable and they can hurt you. That. Is torment. Now tell me, in your almighty angel wisdom. What in gods green earth can Reinhardt and his lackeys possibly do to them, that matches this sort of an atrocity? Hmm?"

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:59 am

"They can be made to atone for their crimes as well." Astraria stood up, picking up her robe. "Atonement comes in many forms, Cayden. You could help prevent other females from enduring the same fate..." She sighed. "...the isolation you seem to have yourself in is keeping you from seeking that which you've missed." It seemed that she could not get through to Cayden. "It would be a tough path, yes, but it is one anyone can seek, and in time, prevail."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:12 am

"Oh my god. Do you even listen. Like, legit, do you. Even. Listen. To anything I say? 'Cause I really honestly think you're not. No matter what you do to them. They cannot atone. Period. Nothing they can ever do, will make up for what they did. And for an Angel, you don't seem to really be as intelligent. This isn't about atonement. It's about me, scarred to the core, damaged beyond repair, not willing to live a life of torment nightmares, memories and that bullcrap. You got it now, pillow?"

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:16 am

She sighed. "Scarred and damaged beyond repair does not mean you should embrace death." She put her robe in her pouch. "I have tried, and failed, to make you see that death is not the answer here." She pulled out the paperwork, and went in search of a writing utensil, walking out of the room.

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:21 am

She buried her face into her hands again. It was like they were actually just trying to keep her alive for the sake of punishment. How in the world could she enjoy life with things like these hovering over her, with her mind broken and her heart decimated. And on top of that, hated by every single person out there. There was a city worth of people that wanted her dead. Even if she'd try to pick up her life and try, she'd be dead within the week. So what point was there even to trying when there were so many that wanted her dead that they'd undoubtedly find a way.

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:26 am

Astraria returned, having found a quill pen to write with. She held out the documents to Cayden. "Sign, please. I am letting the person who requested me that I was unable to provide assistance. I will leave you be after you sign, as it is the only way for me to properly leave here. I am on contract, after all."

Subject: Re: Trial at Hand Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:29 am

"What, I'm not signing anything. Do it yourself. Pretty sure you're just a babysit anyway." She laid down on the couch, almost crushing the pillow she had in her arms whilst her face was buried in it. Wanted her to sign her own incompetence file. Genius.

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